Are You A Caregiver?

Yesterday, two “confessionals” appeared virtually back-to-back in my Instagram feed.

The first was from a stay-at-home mom of two young daughters talking about the benefits of engaging household help, even though she “didn’t have a job.”

She wasn’t defending it—or explaining it. She was RECOMMENDING it—and by doing so, she was reinforcing an important piece of advice we often give other family caregivers:

IF YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE, DON’T.

The second was from a 54-year-old stay-at-home mom of three adult children explaining the quandary she now finds herself in as an empty-nester—and is essentially asking the questions:

“What now?” “What next?” and “Who am I?”

She goes on to explain that when she told people she felt lost when her kids left for college, she was met with the hurtful retort, “Well, that’s why you should have worked.”

I have a few takeaways from these confessionals:

Family caregiving is family caregiving, regarding of how old you are—or how old the people you’re taking care of are.

I suspect if you asked either of these two women if they were family caregivers, their answer would be, “NO.”

That’s because, like many family caregivers, they don’t recognize that what they’re doing is CAREGIVING.

To them, it’s simply “taking care of the kids.” Or “taking care of their spouse.” Or the house. Or the pets. Or their parents. Or in-laws. Or the myriad of other people and/or tasks caregivers find themselves taking care of.

Family caregiving is HARD.

VERY HARD.

Whether you’re a mom taking care of children, an adult child taking care of parents, a grandparent taking care of grandchildren, or a spouse taking care of a spouse, taking care of a loved one(s) is hard on a person physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially (more about that below).

No matter how gracious and grateful the person you’re caring for may be, it can be extremely demanding, unforgiving, and unrelenting. There is almost always something that needs to be done.

And not only are family caregivers generally unpaid—they’re typically untrained. Which means—especially in the case of caregivers taking care of loved ones who are frail and/or have a disability—they are at risk of injuring themselves and/or the person(s) they’re caring for.

Family caregivers are disproportionately FEMALE.

In fact, according to the @Family Caregiver Alliance, fully TWO-THIRDS of all family caregivers are WOMEN.

Moreover, female caregivers may spend as much as 50% MORE time providing care than their male counterparts.

Consequently, not only does caregiving take a significant toll on these women’s mental and physical health—it results in serious implications for their long-term financial health, as well.

For instance, the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicates that women currently earn approximately 84 cents for every dollar that men earn. That in and of itself creates a foundational income disparity that affects female workers while they’re working—and after they “retire.”

When you factor in the amount of time female caregivers end up taking off from work—by reducing their hours, taking unpaid leave, turning down a promotion, or even taking a demotion—in order to tend to their caregiving responsibilities, their long-term financial outlook looks much worse. Because not only is their current earning power diminished, their social security and other retirement benefits are, as well.

I view my family caregiving responsibilities as a privilege.

In many ways, it’s my chance to repay in-kind those who once took care of me.

Which doesn’t make it any less difficult. Or stressful. Or demanding. Or fraught with physical, mental, and emotional challenges.

There’s no getting around that.

But it does enable me to approach those responsibilities from a place of gratitude, rather than just obligation.

The bottom line:

Family caregivers need HELP. Period.

So, as the first women I mentioned above states in her “confessional,” if you have the means to get help—get it. Even if it’s just for a few hours a week.

That will give you time to care for yourself. Maybe sit outside and get some fresh air. Or wash your hair. Or do your nails. Or read.

And just so we’re clear—that me-time is NOT a luxury. It’s a necessity.

And if you suddenly find yourself free of your caregiving responsibilities (as was the case for the second woman I mentioned above)—and you’re trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in—stop and take a breath.

Use your newfound freedom to determine not just who you are, but who you want to be.

At the end of her “confessional,” this woman asked, “Does anyone else feel this way?”

The answer is: MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.

So try new things. Experiment. Take a class. Learn a new skill. Volunteer. Do something creative. Travel—even if it’s just a Sunday drive with no destination in mind.

THIS. IS. YOUR. TIME.

Enjoy it.